As a real brief intro - i'm amby (aka dixiekitten). i am a lifestyle (bdsm) submissive and consentual slave. i am also a little - meaning, that i sometimes regress into being or acting like i'm "little". The writing below is something that i just wrote today and posted on my other blog site (link at top of page). i thought i would just double post it here as kind of an introduction to what this site is all about. i will write more later about the little in me, probably a lot more, but most of what i write here probably will not be quite as "serious sounding" :) As a start though, here's an intro to the little in me:
This is something that i do not think i have ever sat down and written about. i have a little side...meaning, sometimes i don't feel quite my age. It isn't an "age play" thing. i regress. Usually, it will happen on one of a few occasions. If - i am just feeling very safe and comfortable and see something my "little" likes that triggers it, and i know i can go there...and when i am very stressed and/or overwhelmed with things. Most of the time it isn't something i can control well, it just happens.
When it first started, i didn't even know i was doing it. In fact, it happened for several years before i really knew. i'd have missing time, knew something was off but didn't know what, exactly. i think when i'd realize something was going on, i'd shake it off most of the time. i'd be doing dishes and next thing i knew i was standing in the living room and a half hour had passed. That was way back when. i was still with my first Master then. i never could tell him about those strange happenings because i figured if i did he'd lock me up somewhere, lol. Little did i know (no pun intended), he knew a lot more about it then i did, and i was doing that a whole lot more than i knew about. i wasn't remembering. Finally one night when i went into "little mode", he asked me something and i laughed at him...normally...as slave...that would have got me in trouble. That is the first time i remember being "little"...at least, clearly, and i think i have been able to remember since then.
Anyway...i asked him about it the next day because he'd said some things to imply that it definitely was not the first time that had happened. i asked what he meant and how long i'd been doing that for. Several years...at that point. my next question was why he'd never brought it up. Apparently, he thought i was remembering at least some of it and just not wanting to talk about it - i wasn't. Also, that it was never a problem so he didn't worry about it and figured when i was ready i'd talk to him about it. Well...right then, it was a problem for me...talk about feeling insane...
i don't know what i did when i'd go into my episodes. He could tell me, but i never asked and not sure i ever will. At the time, i didn't want to know. i started remembering when i'd feel little, but for a long time - when i'd pull out of it, i'd push it aside. i didn't want to deal with it or face it.
Now, however i am trying to. i was seeing a counselor. i talked to her about it. She said she thought that maybe it started out as just a coping thing and may have initially been related to things in my childhood and my initial slave training (very knowledgeable in bdsm...awesome counselor), but that now it is kinda integrated into me more. She said she doesn't think i'm crazy.
Master, or should i say Daddy for this, lol...my current that is..tells me i shouldn't fight it but should embrace it. He doesn't think i'm crazy either and has been supportive. At least, disregarding right now, which i'll get to in a minute. i think i'm crazy still...but...i am trying to accept it, deal with it, let it in when i need to because this has been going on now for what? oh...about 18 years or so...here and there...and is getting more pronounced. It is, as my counselor said, really a part of me now and fighting it is about pointless.
Daddy had me coloring or reading, or doing something "little" before i went to bed to try and help me understand and accept my little side. When W/we started having problems some months back, i stopped doing that. i am trying to get back to it now though because it was helping a lot, and he'd probably still want me to though...
In the last few weeks, he hasn't been able to be there for me. It may be like that for a while. The slave in me alone is having a hard time with that. The little in me, even more so, i think.
Typically, i really only regress once in a while. It may be once a week, once every two weeks, once in a month...but for the last week..it's been almost daily, and so much so that it's interfering with things i need to do. i can't talk to Daddy right now and it's killing me, but i am trying to be strong and have decided that this is something i have got to tackle and deal with.
i've been in some little's groups on fet for a good while now, and that helps too, but i feel like i have to watch it on there because i worry that i'll embarrass him or something. That, and well...when i am really in "little mode", i don't go to fet. i play and watch cartoons, and draw and stuff :)
Back to my problem though - usually, once i do something my "little" likes, i will snap out of it and i'm back to just being "me". Saturday was horrible though, it was almost all day. Yesterday - about the same. So, i have decided that i am going to feed the little in me a little more and see if it helps any. What "she" really wants, and what i really want is Daddy, but...i have to try to do as best i can on my own right now and be strong.
i got some ideas from the little's groups to help with self exploration. Things like scrap booking, making pictures, doing crafts, etc, writing stories, or writing about things i like (as a little). i think i am going to start doing more of those things, and i've created another blog that i'm going to use as kind of an online scrapbook. Also, in one of the groups we are going to start doing some projects that i've joined in on, where you have to post pictures of things you do. And...i guess due to my shyness and other things mentioned above...i'd rather have somewhere besides fet to post those things.
i'll put the link here (nothing on it yet though), but if you run across this and visit me there...just please be nice as this is really something i still struggle with. Oh...by the way...my "little's" name is amby, and she's usually around 7. Again...this isn't age play...just me acting like a kid sometimes. amby is not into all that "grown up" stuff...just to um...be clear ;)
Anyway....... http://lildixiekitten.blogspot.com
